Christmas Without You...

A year ago tonight was the last time I saw my brother alive. The last time we laughed together. The last time we celebrated Christmas together. I miss you, Brett Patterson. I miss our late night drives. 

Breakfast. Phone calls… I miss all of it. #thebrett10

The Kiddo...

I'm so incredibly grateful to be able to spend time with my amazing kiddo this Christmas. He isn’t a kid anymore (and he would groan at me for saying so), but in my heart I still see this when I look at him! #ChristmasEve2021vs2002 #Build2022

Start Living...

I’m blessed to be able to drive past the cemetery where my grandparents are buried with regularity. I often stop and chat with them, and I’m grateful they’re close by.

Since losing my brother, however, driving by has been different. I still stop every week, but I can’t lie. Seeing my brother’s grave is a harsh reminder that we aren’t all afforded a long life. That we all don’t get unlimited time to go for our dreams and take advantage of much needed second chances.

Life is fragile, friends. And there are no guarantees. If there’s something you’re settling for… If there’s something you’re not letting yourself go for… It’s likely you’re selling yourself short and wasting precious time. Don’t do that to yourself. Start living. #Build2022

Never Say Never...

And while I didn’t need 2021 to say “hold my beer,” it certainly did just that. Never say never, friends. But more importantly, never forget that you can change and step into something bigger at any time. Never forget that you can survive your worst days and build back better. Never say never, especially about yourself! #OTL #Build2022

From this exact day last year (12/14/20)...

It was probably silly to think we’d get through December without a bit more mayhem but a girl can hope, right? Wrong. If 2020 has taught me anything it’s that things change. Plans get scotched, schedules get scrubbed, and things break.

Today has been a day of reevaluating priorities, adjusting expectations, and reframing our

holiday. And while I hoped the week would start off a bit calmer given the weekend capsized us, sadly it wasn’t meant to be.

This morning I woke to find my lemon juniper crashed on the patio and while I stood there surveying the damage, I couldn’t help but laugh. I’ve put Juni back together and she’s resting in her winter bed for the moment due to high winds and cool nights here in Atlanta but to say this scene resembles our lives at the moment would be putting it mildly.

I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced a season in life that’s needed more mending, and patching, and clean up than 2020. Sometimes it’s nothing short of overwhelming. #MayhemAllTheWayAround

GPS...

I got lost less than a mile away from my house the other day. GPS and all, I drove the same loop twice before I realized where I was. Lost--four little letters that seem surreal to me at times yet for about twenty minutes last Thursday, that’s exactly what I was; well off my plan A.

The last few months have been a blur and if this year has proven anything, it’s that plans can change on a dime.

I started laughing at myself when I realized where I was. Then I realized that if I would have just trusted my gut, I would’ve made the correct turn the first time. The rest of the short drive home I thought about the notion of trusting my gut juxtaposed with that of trusting the GPS. The notion that GPS is programmed by someone sitting in front of a computer interpreting points on a map that may well not be exactly where I’m located isn’t lost on me. Areas change and maps fall out of date but we see things in real time. GPS doesn’t know that you don’t always like to take the highway. Sometimes the backroads are where you find the good stuff. GPS doesn’t realize that you don’t always want to cut through neighborhoods to save five minutes.

Like it or not, sometimes we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of plan B and you know what? That’s not always a bad thing. Last week plan B took me to a new smoothie place that just so happens to carry my favorite protein powder.

The Queen of the World...

My grandma was my first babysitter and the woman who bought me my first lipstick, pinning it inside my pocket so I wouldn’t lose it on my way home from her house. She taught me how to make peanut butter fudge from scratch and let me drink coffee from the time I was barely old enough to manage the warm mug. She let me sit on the counter and eat bits of pie dough when she made cherry pie. She was the first to step beside me when my family of origin splintered, taking my hand and assuring me we’d find a way forward and walk the hard days together. She bettered my love of music via the Mills Brothers and Sam Cooke. She let me stay home from school on my birthday and was the first to remind me my parents weren’t always right and that I really could be anything I wanted to be. She was a soft place to land when I needed a shoulder and a sharp opponent when I needed to be challenged. She was big and loud and bossy and over the top and I loved her to the depth of my soul.

I hear her wit in my son’s jokes and see her spirit in the way my mom loves my kiddo—just like my grandma loved me. And thankfully, I see a glimmer of her fierceness when I look in the mirror. I find myself thinking about her so much these days and I'm grateful every week when I stop by to visit her gravesite. I love how she's there now watching over Brett Patterson but oh how I wish I could get her opinion on things and pull her old school wisdom into the chaos of today. How I wish she could listen to Sam Cooke with my son because he loves Sam now, too. How I wish he could watch her play piano and they could just do music together. How I wish my son could know her. I always miss her but today I feel her absence deeply and profoundly. She just made life better. Happy #100, Grams. You are forever in my heart. #QueenOfTheWorld

The Best Thing...

It’s been an incredibly stressful season of life but the silver lining is I get to spend more time with this guy. Yet to call it silver doesn’t do the time I spend with my kiddo justice.

If you’ve ever had a minute when you looked at something you were part of and knew that it was the best thing you’ve ever done – that’s the way I feel about being this kid’s mom.

I never fail to learn something when we’re together, and the level of insight and intelligence he brings to the party is downright overwhelming sometimes.

For every mistake I’ve ever made, for every misstep I’ve ever taken, and for every future screwup that’s going to have my name associated with it, it isn’t him. He’s the best thing and the world is a better place because he’s in it. And watching him change his little corner of it is the joy of my life.

Brett Patterson...

Three years ago my big brother and I stood graveside at our grandparents mausoleum, laughing and crying as we remembered various stories and memories of our time with people we loved so dearly. Looking back at this picture, all I can think is that I’m so glad I forced the issue that day and made Brett Patterson take a selfie with me.

It’s hard to believe that tomorrow my family will lay Brett to rest less than thirty yards away from those same grandparents. That he’s gone. That the last time we talked was indeed the last time. That life has changed forever and that things will      never be the same. 

Please pray for our family. #thebrett10

Step Up and Grow...

I’m learning to prune like the rain is coming, even on the sunny days.

When we moved to Atlanta in September of 2019, a lot of the summer blooming was done. Although we experienced a very hot fall that year, things were also starting to rest and you could feel the pull towards fall in the air. I’d never experienced the dense vegetation of the humid South, so I didn’t know much of what was in my own backyard, but I knew this girl the minute I saw her. A knockout floribunda. She continues to be my favorite. 

As I studied this plant and learned more about her in an effort to try to help her be the best she could be, I realized that a lot of caring for a floribunda was going to be falling to climb. To help her thrive, I had to cut away far more than I wanted to so she could come back healthy and strong the next bloom. She and I had a bit of trial and error and I was too easy on her at first. And then rain came and it was as if mother nature laughed at me when I stepped outside the next morning and the precious limbs I couldn’t bear to prune the day before were waterlogged, bent, and broken. I thought I’d lost her and I was devastated. So I dropped back and cut deeper. And I looked at her with more judicious eyes in an effort to help her be her best. It was hard and there were days she looked naked and exposed and looking back, it turns out I felt the exact same way. 

My floribunda has taught me that I can grow in any condition. Through depression. Loneliness. Through isolation, betrayal, and hurt. And she’s also shown me that those things don’t help me thrive. Thriving takes different conditions all together. Thriving takes a hard look at the situation. Careful, prayerful, thoughtful studying. And thriving takes action. And sometimes thriving takes a bravery we don’t know we possess until it’s time to step up and grow.

Lesson Learned...

I'm incredibly grateful for this little sweetheart today because Georgia weather knows how to throw a punch! We’ve been without power since 430a but we aren’t out of the game (even though it sounds like Armageddon outside right now!) because this work horse is keeping the things I need running strong. If an alternate power source is an issue for you, I highly recommend checking out EcoFlow. This was our lesson learned after Hurriance Zeta blew through our neighborhood last November as a strong tropical storm. Sure, we’re on the waiting list for a Generac but I don’t wanna be in the dark while we wait and this won’t break the bank. Delta is also portable so I can take Bad & Co. on the road if I need to get to someone I love who isn’t nearby!  

Back to School...

Classes start Monday for me and who doesn’t enjoy a fresh bouquet of back-to-school notebooks? I originally thought I’d get my feet wet by taking two classes but I came home from Indy feeling like my brain needed a challenge so I changed my mind and four it is. And now I have a shiny new notebook for each, which totally feeds my OCD.

The Birthday Boy...

20 years ago this amazing creature blew into my life and nothing has been the same since that rainy Thursday all those years ago. He was three weeks early and I always joke it was because he had an agenda. After all, this is the kiddo who looked at me when he was 18 months old, promptly pulled his pacifier from his mouth and said “Mommy, I have a situation I would like to discuss.” I kid you not. This kid makes the world a better place just by being in the room. He’s always known exactly what he wanted, and what he didn’t, and he’s working hard to get there. Watching him grow is the joy of my life. Happy birthday, babe! 

Brett...

 

Brett Alan Patterson of Lebanon, Indiana

July 11, 1966 - April 4, 2021

Brett Alan Patterson, 54, of Indianapolis, IN, died at his home in Lebanon on April 4th, 2021.

Always one to lend a helping hand, Brett loved to volunteer in his community, cook for his neighbors, and worry about others. While he enjoyed country music and March Madness, baseball was his first love. 

Brett is survived by his daughter, Skaiste Patterson (Miami, FL), his parents Bobby Patterson and Barbara Hatfield Newsom, his step parents Jackie Patterson and Dale Newsom, and his sister BethAnn Patterson Buehler, her husband Bradley, and nephew Braden. 

Family will receive friends from 2:00pm - 4:00pm Friday, April 9 at Forest Lawn Funeral Home, 1977 S. State Road 135, Greenwood, IN  46143, with service to follow at 4:00pm.

In lieu of flowers, Brett’s parents would kindly ask that you make a donation in Brett’s name to the Humane Society for Boone County: https://www.hsforbc.org/about-us.html

Big Brother...

We are chin deep in grief and swimming as fast as our broken hearts will allow as we make plans to lay my first friend, my big brother, to rest. Losing Brett was unexpected and we are devasted. Please be patient with us as we process these next few days and please pray for us. I promise I will update when I’m able.

Zero Things...

 Zero things.

Not the packing…

Not the last minute checklists…

Not the watching weather in four cities…

 

It’s “headed back to college” eve and I’ve been a teary mess all afternoon.  We’ve had such a wonderful break and it’s been a blessing to have extended time due to classes being online.  I know I have to let him go and I know he’s ready.  Now if I could just get the message through to my heart…

A New Word of the Year...

Our word of the year for 2020 was Adventure. What a terrible choice, right? We had too much adventure last year, most all of it the wrong kind, and while we know better than to wish time away, our family has enjoyed a much needed fresh start this month.

Yet now we find ourselves here, planning the kiddo’s return to school in a few short days and my heart is aching. I’ve been blessed to have him home since December 21st and I’ll admit it, I’m spoiled.

Our word for 2021 is Impact and that’s what I feel I’ve been able to have with the kiddo home-an impact in his daily life. 2020 left him isolated, off balance, and blown a bit off course as a result. He’s been able to rest here, to ‘close both eyes’ I always joke. He’s been able to reset here. And given the state of the world, I feel like he’s been safe here.

Soon it will be too quiet here. And it will be too quiet back at school in a totally different way. This isn’t how we thrive so it all feels wrong; itchy and uncomfortable and unwanted. But we remain determined to lean into our word. The one we chose together from a long list we created, debated, and discussed at length over several days before we rang in 2021. Which means I’ve got three days to continue making memories and having a meaningful impact before I have to say ‘see you later’ and pray it’s enough to carry us all through til spring. #BuehlerLife