Saturday, April 30, 2016

The Family Aunt Betty...

I have a confession to make.  I'm addicted to Who Do You Think You Are which airs on TLC Tuesday nights at 9pm.  And before you ask, the answer is no.  It has nothing to do with the particular "stars" the show has chosen to feature.  The producers could have picked random members of my local golf course maintenance team and I’d be just as intrigued.  Why?  Because unless your family has that particular and oh so studious Aunt Betty who's done all the work for you, I'm willing to put a Starbucks wager on the fact there’s a lot of stuff you don't know about your family.

I've always been fascinated by family history and as a young girl, I loved to listen to my grandma tell stories about our family.  Then again, I have a great Aunt Bunny and an Uncle Duck so it could've been I thought my grandma was reading me a fairy tale.  And therein lies the problem many of us face when we start climbing our family tree.  As dear as those memories are to me, the fact that none of the real details about Bunny and Duck ever got written down doesn't make for a very complete family tree now that I’m old enough to really care about preserving history.  Not to mention my grandma’s been gone ten years. 

For the past several years I’ve been an active occupant of my family tree, climbing up and down branches, looking for links between limbs and researching new growth.  While I attempted a similar thing many years ago, this time around, that is to say the last eighteen months, I’ve been met with tremendous success and the journey’s been nothing short of amazing.  For all of the unsavory avenues we can find ourselves travelling on the Internet, the lengths to which the National Archives, the Office of Military Records and many similar organizations have gone to to update and strengthen their databases is incredible.  To date I’ve learned of men of tremendous character who literally set aside their livelihoods on a moment’s notice and walked arm in arm with their neighbors and brothers into battle.  I’ve learned of the women that loved them.  I’ve found Union and Confederate soldiers sharing a branch, kissing cousins, and I have a great great great great someone that’s both my uncle and my grandpa.  Seriously, folks!  I can’t make this stuff up.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to prune that branch but nonetheless, I’ve got documents to line the path and verify the good and the not so pretty branches. 

As you might have guessed, the Bunny and Duck from my grandma’s stories weren't actual names I was going to find on a 1930 Census form all these years later.  In fact, names are a funny beast on the genealogy journey.  While I remember laboring over decided what to name my own child, I never once thought about how that name might get mangled years down the road.  We have a Laura turned Lula turned Lulie.  A Siota turned Scota turned Siot turned Sophie and a Dilly, and Effie, a Mally and a Barbee.  But wait for it.  Barbee’s a guy!  My grandpa!  In one census they spelled his name correctly but listed him as a girl.  In another they changed his name all together.  On the other side of my family, my great grandpa came through Ellis Island in 1910.  My great aunt documented her father’s life story in her thesis work when she was in college and while I remember she and my grandma talking about how names often got changed, it wasn’t until I found his immigration documents and saw it with my own eyes that it made sense to me.  The men and women serving as document clerks at Ellis Island often changed names based on their own levels of education and understanding.  For example, my great grandpa got on a boat in Patras, Greece as sixteen-year-old Demetrious Eusthathis Kakavecos and stepped into New York as James Kallas.  There’s a note on his immigration paperwork that he contested his new name and his real name is written off to the side in a different penmanship than that of the rest of the document.  A U.S. census taken just ten years later lists him by his correct name, married to my great grandma, a couple of kids in tow.  Hhmm.

Speaking of penmanship, when you start to research your own tree, get ready for some scrolls and cursive the likes of which deserve to be preserved by the National Archive.  It’s like the smaller the lines in the ledger, the more decorative the recorder tried to write.  Maybe these clerks were trying to make up for the sins of their Ellis Island document-recording kin?  Who knows?  In an effort to show the world their gorgeous penmanship, more a’s and e’s and o’s and i’s and c’s got flipped than pancakes at the local breakfast joint on a Sunday.  I can only imagine one of my great great grandma’s telling someone standing on her front porch to kiss her grits.  We’re southern. Way southern.  I’m pretty sure one of the ladies in my tree would have said something like that.

So, too, will be the story of your tree.  There will be branches to keep, dead limbs you want to hide and leaves that either catch the light oh so perfectly or fight to exhaust it all together.  Yet through it all, if you’re willing to wade in and just start climbing, there’s a puzzle waiting to be put together that has your name written all over it.

Indeed I've become my family’s Aunt Betty and if anything, all of this research has shown me that it’s probably just as well.  I’ve been called Mary Beth, Theresa Beth and Betta Ann numerous times in my forty-six years so I’m certain I’ll get listed as Betty Ann in a census one day.  And while it won’t technically be correct, I have no doubt it will all work out in the end.  I’m counting on the fact one of my great grandchildren will be a climber.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Forever. Always.

Imagine my surprise when in the middle of vacation, on a Sunday morning no less, my alarm sounds at 615am. When I roll over to silence what I'm certain is a mistake, I notice my son standing at the edge of my bed. 

"I thought we could catch the sunrise together so I set your alarm," he smiles through a sleepy grin. "That cool?"

"Of course it is," I respond, doing my best to keep my emotions in check and not lose my stuff altogether in front of this child I adore. The one who will turn 15 in a matter of days. The one who is suddenly more man than boy. "I will watch a million sunrises with you," I want to shout. "Forever. Always." 

But instead, I throw on my sweats and quickly make our coffees so we can hit the beach before dawn.  ‪#‎thebestday‬ 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

More than just a famous painting...

Jesus didn’t have to go to the cross. 

For some of you this may not be new news but to me, it’s both fresh and profound and exactly what my soul needed to hear.  It's true.  Jesus didn't have to go to the cross.

Let me explain…  Jesus knew his coming death was the fulfillment of prophecy.  When he went to the garden of Gethsemane to pray, he asked God straight out—if there’s any way you can let this pass me by, please do so.  And he was told flat out he would be betrayed by one close to him and that he would carry his own death piece, the cross, to the hill where he would hang.

Let’s be honest.  Jesus wouldn’t have been the first son in the world not to do what his father asked.  He wouldn’t have been the first person to disagree with authority and he wouldn’t have been the first person to experience a fear-based response and run from danger.  He wouldn’t have been the first person to take the easy way out.  He had a choice. 

To my way of thinking, the garden was middle ground.  When Jesus looked out over the city in one direction, he saw a land filled with people that would betray him and lead him to his death.  But I what I didn’t know, what I learned just recently (I’ve been a Christian for over forty years mind you), is that if Jesus would have just turned around and looked the other way, he could have easily slipped into the Judean wilderness and disappeared.  He could have walked away.  Prophecy unfulfilled.  Destined changed.  History altered forever.

When the call comes and it’s not a favorable diagnosis, it would be easier to run.  When the conversation starts with I don’t love you anymore, it would be easier to run.  When there was nothing else we could do is all that’s left to be said, it would be easier to run.  When we watch the people we love struggle and resist help, it would be easier to run.

Have you ever wanted to disappear?  Have you ever thought about just chucking it all and running?  I often joke that I’ve thought about running away far more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.  I think most of us have felt that way.  There are days it seems life is made up of a thousand flaming arrows headed straight toward our hearts.  If we responded how we wanted on those days, the freeways would become a parking lot as we each tried to flee to anywhere. But. Here.  Yet for the overwhelming majority of us, we don’t run.  Why don’t more of us run?

In my opinion today marks one of the most crucial moments in Holy week.  It was tonight, Thursday night, when Jesus sat down with his disciples and shared what would be their last meal together, Jesus’ last meal on earth.  To set the scene, you’ve got men from all walks of life who’ve become best friends.  While being called together for dinner probably wasn’t unusual, as Jesus begins to explain what’s going to happen and what he expects from those that choose to follow him in the days to come, it’s obvious this meal is like no other the group has ever attended.  In today’s terms the last supper is much like the final meeting before the team is dismissed and the real work starts.  The events that will unfurl over the next few hours will blow apart this close-knit group and life will become anything but ordinary.  Some will doubt--I don’t believe what I’m hearing.  Some will stand in dismay--why is He washing my feet?  Some will deny--I never knew him.  One will betray—it is he.  To think it could have all been avoided if Jesus would have only turned around and headed less than an hour the other direction.

Jesus knew there were flaming arrows aimed directly for his heart.  He knew his place in history was to obey his Father’s will and take the hit.  If ever there was a one-for-all moment, surely it was when Jesus decided not to turn and go the other way.

We’re all going to face days when the arrows come and we find ourselves asking exactly the same thing Jesus did--if there’s any way this can pass me by, please let it do so.  Doubt is going to creep in.  Dismay is going to come.  Denial is going to settle deep and betrayal may befall us.


Tonight when we set down to dinner and talk our way through the events surrounding the last supper, I’ll use words like integrity, loyalty, responsibility, honesty, hope, faith, and love to tell my son a few of the reasons I don’t run, even when it would sometimes be the easiest thing to do.  I’ll plant these seeds deep in his heart and pray when the arrows come his way he'll follow the ultimate example, that of Jesus, and decide to stay instead of running.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Spectrum Living...

If you spend much time on Facebook, you know that every so often Mark and the gang wax nostalgic and like to remind us what we were thinking/doing/posting "this time last year."  Such was the case for me yesterday, when this post popped up on my FB feed and instantly took me back.  As I re-read my thoughts from a year ago, I was struck by how different, yet exactly the same, so many things are in my household today...

“I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability—to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.  It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip—to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make wonderful plans.  The Colosseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You learn some handy phrases in Italian.  You book a plane flight and reserve a room.  You make dinner reservations.  It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  You board the plane feeling more anticipation and excitement for this trip than anything you’ve experienced before.  Several hours later the plane lands.  Italy, what a dream come true!  You have arrived!  Then the stewardess comes in and says “Welcome to Holland!”

“Holland?” you say.  “What do you mean, Holland?  I signed up for Italy!  I’m supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”  But there’s been a change in the flight plan.  You’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.  The important thing is that you haven’t been taken to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It’s just a different place.

So, you must go out and buy new guidebooks.  You must make new hotel arrangements.  Dinner plans will have to be altered.  And you must learn a whole new language.  You must make new reservations at new places.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met if you hadn’t landed here.

To make matters worse, everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they have there.  They share Italy stories and offer Italy advice.  Little of it applies in Holland.  For the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go, too.  That’s what I had planned.”  And the pain of that will never go away because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

Holland is a different place.  It’s slower paced than Italy.  It is less flashy than Italy.  But after you’ve been in Holland for a while you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

If you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and lovely things about Holland.”

         **Excerpt from a story by Emily Perl Kingsley as printed in “Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul”


Trimester 2 finals will be in the books come Friday and it’s weeks like this one, when my family finds itself knee deep in the debris of train-on-tracks, spectrum living, that I long to run away with my ticket in hand, desperate to secure my spot in a country I long to visit.  Even though the opportunities are dwindling for me to remind my precious teen the benefits of study guides, reviewing material, eating well, and getting to bed on time if a not a touch early, I’m desperate not to let the topic drop but to say just one more thing in case it’s the right one.  An Aspie parent never knows when the next word will unlock a new wing of the kingdom.

Italy.  I was supposed to be over there, not here.  And while I’ve had almost fourteen years to adjust to living here and while Emily Pearl Kingsley is correct, Holland is incredible in its own right, a part of me sometimes wonders what I’m missing over there, in that other place.  But pining for Italy is a slippery slope and I know firsthand it leads me far from where I want to be.  From where this family and the child I adore need me to anchor myself.  Far from where God has planted me.

Holland is a beautiful place and while this season brings with it some grey days, I can’t let myself forget that this is right where I need to be.  After all, spring is coming.  And I’m looking forward to the tulips.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Me, the Lottery, and an old new book...

Love excluded, I don’t really believe in games of chance, which means I don’t play the lottery.  Yet just a few weeks ago, as many of you well remember, the Powerball jackpot grew to just over nine hundred and eighty million dollars and it was hard not to notice given everyone was buying a chance and talking about what they’d do if they hit it big.  

I was sitting at breakfast commenting on the fact I was having a good hair day.  Two seconds later I logged in to check the kiddos’ grades and what did I see?  A’s, including the math class we thought might be his Waterloo and that new foreign language I wasn’t so sure about.  That’s the moment I looked up and jokingly said “with an A in math, good curls and nearly a billion dollars on the line, maybe today's the day I should play the lottery.”  Which is how I found myself standing at a counter I seldom frequent buying six dollars worth of chance I never take later that very afternoon.

Once I had some skin in the game (six bucks isn’t nothing, people!) and stopped marveling over the fact that being worth a dozen some odd zeroes might just be enough to get me a seat at the big kids table for dinner with one of my business idols, I, too, took a turn dreaming about how I’d spend what a single winner would find to be just over seven hundred million dollars after tax.

There was a church and five charities that would receive a one-time gift to be used as they pleased as well as a trust to be created for each organization that would remain in place and help people long after I was a memory.  I liked it.  There were houses to buy for family and friends and gifts to give to the people I love.  It would be a good deal for everyone.  And apparently I need a new wardrobe since every time I go to the county clerks office to look up genealogy records, they ask me if I’m there to file for child support.  I’d have to see to that, too. 

But if you want to know the truth, what I was most excited about in the short term was buying a complete set of the Encyclopedia of American Quaker Genealogy.  Yep, you heard me correctly.  I wanted to buy some old books.  Before you choke on your soda, let me explain that I’m not talking about your old encyclopedia Britannica’s here.  The Hinshaw Encyclopedia of American Quaker Genealogy comes in six volumes plus index and costs nearly four figures a book.  First printed in 1936, the Hinshaws have only been updated two times since; 1948 and 1969.  The first set I ever had my hands on were leather bound, first editions kept under lock and key and could only be read if I made an appointment.  Imagine how excited I was at the prospect of owning my own set!

So the Powerball drawing has come and gone and as you’ve probably guessed, I didn’t win and I didn’t get to buy those first edition Hinshaws I was longing for.  But I did find another complete set housed in a local library recently and guess what?  They’re in paperback!   It seems reprints were authorized in 1978, 1991 and again in 2014, which means while they’re technically out-of-print (read hard-to-find), a few volumes of the newest edition are floating around out there.  While they aren’t cheap, they’re much closer to costing dinner for five at a nice steak house versus vacation funding for a four-day weekend.

This arrived in the mail today because someone who loves me a lot knows I love books and that I’m more than a little obsessed with my genealogy work.  It’s Volume I, part B, which means I’m missing part A, but I don’t mind a bit.  Part A’s out there somewhere along with volumes two through six and the index, waiting to be discovered just like so much of the history of my family.  Good thing I’m determined to find it.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

The genealogy journey continues...

This morning my genealogy quest took me ten minutes from home where I got to spend hands on time with several gorgeous old record books.  To date this journey has cost me countless hours of research leading to wrong connections and dead ends, numerous teary, late nights spent chasing tangents that landed me in someone else's family tree altogether and a ridiculous amount of self doubt.  Is this information correct?  Does he/she belong to me?  Can I prove it?  Each time I've been wrong, I've been a bit embarrassed that I got a little too excited a little too soon.  Imagine me doing that.  And every word I've ever heard about genealogy research rings true.  It's frustrating, it's confusing, it takes too much time and can be expensive.  While librarians are usually nice, certain clerks in counties we won't mention can be nasty and even rip books right out of your hands. Then there's the fallout on the homefront... Dishes have sat in the sink longer than reasonable, laundry has gone undone more times than I should readily admit and our carry-put bill has doubled.  Honestly it would be far easier to quit than move forward.

All of that said---I wouldn't change one minute of this journey.  I've met an incredible group of researchers, historians and society registrars along the path that have challenged me to go further and research through a different lens than I used when I first started.  I've traveled to places I would have never seen and I'll never look at an old document or census record the same.  Best of all, I've had an amazing cohort in crime standing right beside me, encouraging me not to give up when I hit the wall.  Thank you, Stacy Ziemer Green​.  You know we're really just getting started, right?

Marriage records--Hamilton County, In.

1800's marriage records--including that most necessary book A.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Four days and counting!

Four days and counting!

Surely by now everyone has received at least ten of these types of emails advertisements this season, right?   Only ten days left!  Hurry in!  You might miss out on something incredible!  What are you waiting for?  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Only eight days left!  Are you stupid?  Where are you?  HURRY!  You’re going to miss it!

If you’re anything like me, by the time you get done reading an ad like the one above, your heart’s racing and you feel a building anxiety over the fact you might just miss something if you don’t indeed hurry.  Even if all was well in your world before you even knew that ad existed.  Even if you had things well in hand this holiday season, the ad most likely did its job.  Have you ever noticed how marketers play on emotions that sit way too close to the surface for many of us?  They unsettle you (Am I ready?).  They place doubt (Did I get the best deal?).  They might even play on fear (Is what I’ve done good enough?). 

I’m the first to admit I can easily get caught up in this hurry frenzy.  As the baby of five kids, I never wanted to miss out on anything growing up and I can proudly say in just over forty years, nothing’s changed.  I still hate missing out.  I’m the first one up on Black Friday and I’ve even been known to follow a certain big brown truck to a nearby game store on release day for a kiddo I happen to adore.  I can hear you laughing but don’t judge me.  My guess is you’ve probably done this same type of thing, especially if you have children.  Whether it happens to you during the holidays or at some other time of year, like a birthday or special occasion, it doesn’t matter.  Even though my kiddo is older now, I can still hear his pleas from past holidays ringing in my ears.  But mom, you have to hurry!  They open at 4am on Saturday but you only have an hour.  If you aren’t one of the first three in line, they’ll sell out and I’ll be the only kid without a copy of the game!  It’s a boatload of pressure, I’ll tell you.  Yet there I went, running around town in a constant panic, wondering if I was going fast enough, afraid I’d miss out.

The morning I shared the details of the delivery man stalking incident to a good friend over coffee was right about the time I had the good sense to hit the pause button and insert a little sanity check into my life.  I heard the words coming out of my mouth, my confession if you will, but honestly, I couldn’t believe what I was saying.  I did what?  Why?  And then it hit me.

There’s a truth out there advertisers don’t want us to know.  Save for one or two new electronic items you might not even want or need, there’s nothing new this season that you’re going to miss is if don’t hurry.  While it’s true you might save a few dollars here and there, research indicates that stores only deeply discount a small handful of items banking on the hope you’ll fill your cart with other regularly priced merchandise while waiting in line to grab one of only five Hero Princess figurines being sold in the next ten minutes for fifty cents.  They’re counting on your trip to snag Hero Princess for under a buck costing you closer to a hundred dollars before you leave their fine establishment.

Whether you’ll be spending a quiet evening curled up with a good book this Christmas or circulating a room filled with family and friends, my guess is what you most need to hear you won’t find in any advertisement set to hit your inbox in the coming days.  Friends, you don’t need to hurry.  In fact, if you can find a few hours, let yourself rest and try hard not to feel guilty about it.  Remind yourself that most likely, you’re ready.  And if you’re not, force yourself to make a sane to do list you actually have a shot at accomplishing rather than a manifesto that will leave you feeling inadequate when you fall short.  Trust that you got the best deal.  If you learn that Hero Princess is going to be on sale for a quarter for five minutes on Christmas Eve, say a prayer for the sucker that’s going to be standing in line rather than diving for your wallet and coat.


Is what you’ve done good enough?  I bet it is.  If you share your heart with someone this Christmas, if you reach out and make vulnerable a bit of yourself you otherwise keep guarded, you’ll ace Christmas 2015.  And if you don’t find yourself chasing a delivery truck?  That’s some serious extra credit.