Today's Meltdown...

I’ve stomped around here all week frustrated about decorating for Christmas. “I don’t know how to decorate when I’m only 80% unpacked,” I keep saying. And honestly, it’s been a perfect excuse. But the truth is I’ve been plagued with indecision which is to say I don’t know how to decorate this year. For the first time in 17 years, no one will be at my house for the holidays and while some of you will likely find that thought refreshing, I find it beyond odd. And I find it incredibly sad. It’s my favorite time of year and I’m at a loss.

Sunday afternoon my meltdown was brought to us by the letter A for Advent calendar. As I was pulling things out in an attempt to gather some excitement for decking the halls, it dawned on me that the Advent calendar the kiddo has completed every December since he was big enough to hold the little ornaments won’t be completed this year. Yes, I’ve solved the problem on his end and I’m taking a fun advent calendar for his dorm room but all you mamas out there know exactly what I’m saying. It’s not the same.

Yesterday’s meltdown was brought to us by the letter N for Nativity scene. I no longer have built-ins which means I’ve lost the spot where I display my Nativity scene, a set that’s almost as old as my marriage. My dear friend talked me off the ledge and reminded me that buying a little table would solve the problem and she’s right and I’m working on it. But still, when the realization hit that one of my most treasured Christmas pieces no longer had a home, it wasn’t a pretty scene around here.

Today’s meltdown was brought to us by the letter S for Stockings. I spent years trying to find stocking hangers that were innocuous and between three different Christmas shoppes on opposite coasts, I finally pulled it off a few years ago. Why does it matter? Because I want the decorations on the mantle to be visible, not the stocking holders. I hear you saying I should go buy some 3M command hooks and deal with it and I get it. I really do. But it’s one more thing that’s different and what I’m finding is that a lot of little different things are starting to make a big thing.

Things are just out of place enough that I’m having a hard time getting my arms around it. My head and my heart are at war and my OCD perfectionist tendencies are enjoying robust supporting roles. At this point, I have no idea who’s going to win because the task feels bigger than me. But I have hope because I know getting through this season of a millions differences isn’t bigger than my God. I wonder if he looks down on me in the middle of my tantrums the way I always looked at the kiddo? A little dismayed. A little frustrated. A little sad. And a little determined. Just keeping it real over here. #ATLOTPDay67IsHard  #BuehlerLIfe

Oh, How Blessed...

It dawns on the hubster and I that we never grieved moving our one and only to college. We didn’t have that “coming home to an empty house experience” because it didn’t happen that way for us. My mom was home waiting on us with our little girls that Wednesday evening and seven hours later, a moving crew showed up. Honestly, it feels like we little more than napped once in the old house after the kiddo moved then we were on our way as well.

Having the kiddo home for fall break was an amazing whirlwind sixty-seven hours but we managed to fit nearly everything in (and planned some of Christmas break for those things we couldn’t)! Sleeping in the new room, shopping, traffic, new guitars and new music test tracks, Post Malone in concert, good food, and our ritual toast to Jim Morrison. The ride home from the airport yesterday was filled with tears and when we got home, it hit us—it was our day, the one where we came home and realized our precious kiddo is really moving on.

I was such a mess when we got home I decided to tackle the shrub rose I've ignored for the past month, pruning through the waterworks, my mind running over eighteen and half years of parenting fails and triumphs. I was lost in my thoughts when I looked up and saw the sun shining through to a perfect bloom and I couldn't help but smile. Oh, how blessed we are to be this kiddos' parents. We’re amazed by him and in awe of all he’s doing but we miss him like mad times ten. This house is way too quiet without him here and no, I don’t know when I’ll go up and make his bed. I actually kinda like seeing it messy! Let the countdown to the holidays begin because we’re ready for him to come back!  #UpsizedDown  #ATLOTPDays43thru45 #BuehlerLife

A Little Paint...

If you haven’t moved in awhile, you might have forgotten that oh so funny thing that happens when you start to think about actually hauling your stuff to a new space. Someday science is going to have to explain to me why from the moment we started looking at new homes my brain took over and started decorating each and every one because that’s exactly what happened in all eighteen homes we toured with the amazing Lisa Terminello Cea. My brain hit hyperdrive when I stepped into this house and the hubster can attest I had the place decorated in my head before the ink was dry on the offer. And now here we are. My brain is tired and reality is calling the shots and it turns out my stuff and my brain aren’t only on different pages, they aren’t even reading the same book! I had this place set just so in my mind at least a million times before Lisa handed me the keys but now things I used to love don’t fit and things I thought were headed for the first truck out of here are centerstage.

Such is the case with the safety pin. It was fun in the old house and I didn’t mind it being a too bright shade of yellow to go with anything but I knew it wasn’t making the cut for the move. Then it showed up on the truck and made it into the house and I’ve literally been kicking it around for thirty four days. I’ve made dozens of trips to the thrift store with donations in the past month and why that silly pin never made it into the car is beyond me but I’m so grateful it’s still here. And while I’m no James Hall or anything, I do have to say I wielded a can of spray paint like a boss today. My big yellow safety pin that I liked but was ready to part with is now shiny silver and I love it (not to mention I'm thrilled to have another space almost done. I'll add a few more pics below). #ATLOTPDayThirtyFive #UpsizedDown #BuehlerLife

Never Alone...

When you feel alone it’s easy to convince yourself that you really are alone. One of the lies I’ve told myself throughout this gigantic transition we’ve been in is that I’ve lost all my friends. The truth is I haven’t lost my friends. Not by a long shot. I’ve just lost proximity to my friends. Oh how I wish my feeble little brain would catch the difference some days! 

Our family and friends have been amazing throughout this slog to a new normal and YOU continue to be amazing every single day. You have called me and made connections for me and emailed me and texted me and I’ve even FaceTimed with several of you (is that not the weirdest sentence ever-turning text and FaceTime into verbs in this new crazy world we live in)?!

I’m sorry I’ve been a little quieter than usual and I appreciate so many of you checking on me. Here’s the official update—we are doing well. Our kiddo is happy and healthy and loving college life but best of all-he’ll be here to visit in 10 days! The hubster is thriving in his new environment and he truly loves the work that he’s doing. And, we’re officially out of boxes! It’s been rough because let me tell you, 15,383 pounds of stuff is no laughing matter. But the big things are set and while the little things are all over the place, I’ve come to peace with it. It won’t be like this forever and small areas are coming together each and every day.

As for me, setting up home and creating new work flows and routines has been my number one priority these past few weeks but I’ve made time to go to a couple of DAR events (where I met some amazing new ladies!), have lunch with a new friend, and I haven’t needed to use GPS in a week! I was able to meet up with one of my closest friends for a fun afternoon (we met halfway in the mountains of northern Georgia) now that we’re only three hours apart! I’ve also unpacked all of my craft supplies and have my studio 75% back together. After losing all of my creative mojo for more than three months, I can feel the creative energy starting to flow so I’m hopeful brighter days are ahead.

I’m so grateful for each of you and know to my core that I’m blessed to have you in my life. #UpsizedDown #ATLOTPDayLostCount #BuehlerLife

P.S. I may have found a breakfast spot. We’re having a second date this morning. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Fight Club...

Turns out I’m not the only one stressed over this move. The sisters got into a bit of a scrum this afternoon (I’m pretty sure this one didn’t know she was playing) resulting in a torn eyelid and scratched cornea. Hello anti-inflammatories, antibiotics, and cone of sham, which stinks because it was 100% not her fault (not to mention it’s not the way I wanted to meet the new vet)! #BuehlerLife #DayStupidMove #FightClubBlazie

Broken Things...

I’ve heard a lot of phrases used to describe moving and I’ll admit, from these angles moving can seem exciting and maybe even a touch glamorous. A fresh start. A new space. A blank canvas. A new chapter. A new adventure. I’m finding a bit of all of these things to be true.

But there are downsides to moving that aren’t as exciting to talk about—stress, upheaval, chaos, exhaustion. While we had a terrific driver and a great loading crew, turns out our packing crew left a little to be desired and so for us I think the word that sums up our move thus far is damage. To a degree we’ve been able to laugh and shake off some of what we’ve uncovered because it’s just stuff (like the now square wreath). But my office has been another story and I can assure you there’s been no laughter there.

Below is my most recent communication with our moving coordinator...

“I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me this morning. I’m glad I called you when I did because I’ve been crying as things have gone rapidly downhill since those first few boxes. I appreciate you forwarding the claim form and I will do my best but I want you to know that I do not know how to put a price on profound sadness. And I don’t know how to put a price on things that no amount of money can replace. And I don’t know how to put a price on opening boxes filled with candy wrappers and used tissues and seeing things that I love thrown about like they were going to a rummage store. I am heartbroken.” #ATLOTPDayWhatever #BuehlerLife#UpsizedDown

Shine...

If you listen closely, it’s easy to find people talking about stuff. “I have too much stuff, I need to clean out my stuff, I’m going to get more stuff, I have the wrong stuff, I have old stuff, I need new stuff, I can’t find my stuff, someone gave me stuff...”

In our case, I know exactly how much stuff we have because it’s been packed and weighed and documented. 15,383 pounds. In the last several days I’ve become more intimately acquainted with these 15,383 pounds than I knew possible and I’ve learned more about space than I ever wanted to know. Things like we have a 4X larger pantry but we lost four big kitchen drawers. We have a third car garage and a loft but we no longer have a basement. 

Stuff. 15,383 pounds of it was hauled off a truck and scattered everywhere around me and I have to admit, it was overwhelming. And then I remembered my thing. I decided to carry one thing with me to set up in the midst of the chaos that might make me smile because while this transition is exciting, it’s also very hard. 

My thing is a flash forward of sorts, a look at where I’m headed in this next season, and several times throughout the day when I passed by the room where it sat, I couldn’t help but smile and remember the goal amidst the mayhem. Clearly my thing resonated with our moving crew, too, as at different points throughout the day each of the guys mentioned it, offering a “that’s neat, that’s cool, that’s cute.” 

Stuff has power. It can change us, divide us and connect us, weigh us down or lift us up. What I know for sure is in this new space I want my stuff to exist so that the people I love can be comfortable and well cared for. #ATLOTPDayTwelve #UpsizedDown #FewerBetterThings #BuehlerLife

SappyLand...

#ATLOTPDayTenPartOne...
Taking our last load from the tiny place and saying goodbye! #NoMoreTempHousing #ByeBye1205 












#ATLOTPDayTenPartTwo...We are the proud owners of a new home in Lawrenceville Georgia(about 18 miles from Atlanta proper). It’s our dream home, exactly what we would’ve built had we designed it ourselves, and we couldn’t be happier to be able to settle in and start this new adventure. But we couldn’t be sadder that we finally have the perfect place for our family and friends to gather and many of you are eight hours away. We’re camping on the air mattress tonight in what will become my office in the morning and I can’t help but think that if this home was in Indy, we’d be having a party and so many of you would be with us. I’m not sure why things happen the way they do but I’m trusting God to help me see the path in the coming days and weeks. #LoveThePlace #MissMyPeeps#Sappyland

The New Space...

#ATLOTPDaySevenandEight were a tear filled blur so we’re moving on. And speaking of moving, #ATLOTPDayTen is the day! I was blessed to be able to walk through our new house this afternoon for final inspection and the visit confirmed what we felt the previous times we were in the space—it’s going to be an awesome place for our family and friends to gather and we can’t wait for you to come visit! In other news, I haven’t found a good mom and pop breakfast spot yet but there’s a Cracker Barrel which means biscuits and dumplings (which I fear I’m starting to resemble) so there’s that. And I haven’t gotten lost and I didn’t even use GPS today. I also found a terrific countdown app that helps me look forward to good things on the horizon. I’m not sure what’s in store for me and I miss my work and my peeps more than I thought possible but both of my boys are so happy it’s hard for me not to be happy, too. So I’m living in what I call SappyLand, that sad happy place where I can cry while smiling because that’s how life is right now. #LastNightInTempDiggs #CountingTheDays #ATLOTPDayNine

The Gap...

I woke up this morning with the realization that I’ve been scared of not being busy enough during this gap phase of life I find myself living. As a result, I think I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to find things to do in an effort to try and outrun the quiet. I’m used to being busy and I like it that way. Up until a couple of weeks ago I had a full time job I adored (being a mom) and meaningful work I engaged in outside my four walls and I greatly miss both. Being downsized is hard. Waiting is hard. Starting over is hard. Justifying how you spend your time can be hard. So today I embraced exactly where I am in the gap and I didn’t worry about how much I should do or what I should get accomplished. I let myself wander without direction (See what I did there? I can’t get lost if I don’t worry about directions!) and I found one of the things I’ve been looking for (and rather despondent about not finding) — new breakfast spots! I know some of you will be lost as to why this matters but for all of my breakfast pals out there this will resonate — I haven’t been out to breakfast in over a week! I’m terrible at slowing down but I’m smart enough to know when God’s trying to get my attention. Hitting pause today and listening has been good medicine. #LeaningIntoTheGap #Redemption#BreakfastIsLife #BaconMatters #ATLOTPDayFive

Cloud Cars...

That bank that took me no time to find on Monday? It took me forty eight minutes today from the same starting point. Everything is starting to look familiar which means I was a little overconfident today and know just enough to be dangerous. Which means I got myself lost but good. I even confused Google maps and Waze and had to pull into a parking lot and turn everything off for a hard reset. Worse, I forgot the way to the cupcake store so I couldn’t even drown my sorrows. Trust me, this cute little cloud car is not your friend! These are some of the tough days I knew would come. The gap as we’ve taken to calling it. The novelty of tiny apartment living has worn off, I’m sick of exploring since I’m on the opposite side of town from our new house so it doesn’t really count, and we still have five days to go. Sitting at a traffic light after I got myself straightened out, I let out a sigh and reminded myself that this won’t last forever and in a few days I’ll get to go home. And then I had the sinking realization that this isn’t some extended vacation and I am home. On the up side the lady at the bank gave me a hug but then again people tend to do that when you’re paying them so I don’t think it counts like I needed it to.  #DayFourSucks #Homesick#MissingMyFriendsAndFamily #CloudCarsAreStupid. #ATLOTPDayFour

Mall Walkers...

I met the sweetest group of people today. I was at another mall (but in my defense I was shopping for the hubster). Granted, these folks thought I was a mall walker but still, they invited me to join their group! Truth was I was looking for a specific store and I wasn’t sure what level it was on (there were three) so I stopped to check my surroundings. Clearly I look like I could use the exercise but I wasn’t out of breath so there’s that. In other news we’re going out to dinner tonight and I’ve picked a place with both cherry cobbler and banana pudding on the menu. I also got to drive slightly over the speed limit for the first time since we landed here because there was no traffic on I 85 this afternoon. And I found the puppy adoption store. Danger! Danger!  #IDidHaveOnTennisShoes #FourDogsIsAlot#ATLOTPDayThree

Brownies...

Managed to transfer our prescriptions, chat with my folks, figure out the gate code, and navigate two interstates to find the mall but couldn’t seem to locate my latest rental car in the parking lot, prompting mall security to approach and ask if I needed help. “Do I need help?” I parroted back to the friendly guard sizing me up. “Sir, I doubt your shift is long enough to help me,” I snort laughed as we walked toward yet another row of dark SUVs, trying my key fob along the way to see if my ride would reveal itself. He laughed as I explained that I sold my van to my folks before we moved last week which means I’ve had three rentals in the last five days. In other news, I made it back to the grocery and I’m ready to make Judy Workman brownies.  #EggsAreEssential #MallsAreFun #RentalCarsStink#ATLOTPDayTwo

Atlanta--Day One...

Managed to use GPS to find the Chick-fil-A, the bank, the dry cleaner, the grocery, the storage facility, Target, and the post office. I also decided to cook dinner (for the first time) in our temporary apartment and thought everything through right up to dessert. Yes, I grabbed brownie mix and frosting but I totally spaced the fact that I have no eggs or oil. #SearchingGPSforNearestCupcakeStore #ThingsYouTakeForGranted#ATLOTPDayOne

Atlanta Bound...

Missing my newly minted college kiddo like crazy this morning but I got a great text last night (a new form of gold to this mama)! It also helps that I’m a little preoccupied today. Did I fail to mention this is happening? It’s been quite a week.  #Buehlerlife#ATLOTP828

I Was Trying...

Apparently this is my crying smile because I swear I was trying. Ugh! This has been a super hard day but I’m so excited for the kiddo. He’s so happy it’s hard not to be happy, too, so I pulled it together for our final selfie of the move-in trip. #Hoosiers2023

The Best Summer Ever...

It was supposed to be the best summer ever. The last summer our family would resemble it’s old self. A time of redoing things we loved and trying things we’d always talked about but never got around to. It was the last hurrah as they say and it was ours for the taking. Kinda...

Enter wisdom teeth and the slow down that became August. I laugh when I say that because our August has been anything but slow given we’re moving our one and only to college then packing what’s left of our life and heading 600 miles south. Trust me, the mayhem a double move and major life change brings with it can’t be measured and if it could, you really wouldn’t want to know.

It was my precious kiddo, all puffy cheeks and glassy eyes, nestled safely in the wisdom tooth removal recovery center (otherwise known as our sofa), that said it best. “It’s like God knew we only had a few more days together in this house so he quieted things down so we could all be here.”

And thus August has become a month of family game nights and movie nights and milkshakes and air mattresses in the family room and lots of ibuprofen. Of messy counters and medicine schedules and torn apart spaces and moving boxes and IKEA bags bound for IU. We’re surviving and we’ve made some wonderful memories this month (the state fair and the John Mayer concert!) and we’ve managed to check a few things off that “let’s try it” list. I’m beyond grateful for this month because I’m counting on these memories to hold me through some really difficult days that I know are rushing toward my precious little family.

Our son has five days left under this roof and while I may have a few regrets from these first 18 years of parenting, the month of August isn’t one of them.  #BuehlerLife #IUBound #ATLOTP828

Just Like That...

And just like that it’s August and the days I have left with my son living under my roof are quickly approaching single digits. I never knew I could love a job so much. I never knew I could learn so much from one person. I never knew I’d be so proud, and honored, and grateful to be called mom. I never knew I could have so many regrets and want so many do overs. I never knew a person could find so many little ways to make me smile or that we'd make a million memories. And I never knew my heart would shatter so completely when it came time to watch him fly.  #IUBound820 #BuehlerLife

The Dog Room...

This weekend was a whirlwind that included viewing fifteen homes in sixteen hours over two days with two second showings. So what is it exactly that makes a house feel like home? For me it’s the people. Can I see my people living there and being happy? And it’s the puppies, or as we call them, the girls. Does the house live well for my girls and will they be safe in all the spaces? (These are the types of things you have to consider when your dogs weigh five pounds)! We found our next home this weekend and it’s the one that checked those boxes and more. The one that made me stand in its kitchen and sob like a baby as I heard God tell me that my crew will be okay on this journey. It’s the one where I can see my son and my girls and the hubster and I making new memories as a family.  #ATLOTP825 #502 #puppyroom

The Daily Melt...

Don’t let anyone tell you that major life change isn’t stressful. Don’t look at photos on Pinterest or Facebook or Instagram and assume you’re doing something wrong or that you’re somehow lesser because you don’t look like a million bucks while toting around your perfectly organized life in a fur lined storage tote. I don’t care who you are—that’s not reality. Whether you’re moving a kid to college, downsizing, moving 600 miles away or just trying to organize your stuff enough to send a kindergartner off on the first day with the right colored pencils, change can be brutal.

My daily meltdown (and let’s hope there’s just one today!) happened at 11:15a in the middle of Hobby Lobby. There I was, comfy in my favorite holey sweatshirt with my hair up in a knot, when I burst into tears in the middle of the store.  I love to decorate for the holidays and Hobby Lobby has their fall décor out in full swish.  It would’ve been oh so easy to fill a cart for my newly renovated home. Then it hit me, hopefully it’s not going to be my home anymore. A few remaining signatures on a couple of documents are all that’s needed and then my home will belong to someone else which means for the first time fifteen years I won’t have a home. The truth is, I don’t know where I’ll be when it’s time to decorate for fall. And while that thought terrifies me because the boys and I have made a beautiful home here and I genuinely love my house and all of the memories we’ve made inside these four walls, the thought also makes me happy because I know the next family that lives at our address has an amazing journey ahead of them. I know they’ll be living in a home where every corner has been prayed over and planned and cared for and well loved. I’m hopeful that I’ll find a new house to pray over soon, and that means I’ll get to renovate anew with my eyes on the goal of making a home for the boys and I and our guests. I know it won’t happen overnight, but I refuse to believe it won’t happen.

 

After I pulled myself together and managed to grab what I went to Hobby Lobby for in the first place, I ended up in an area of the store I’ve never really frequented before. And this is what I found there waiting for me. Be still my planning heart!  I’m thanking God today for putting this little notebook in my path and giving me a ray of hope for the journey ahead.  #ATLOTP825

We're Headed Outside the Perimeter (OTP)...

I’ve been oddly quiet lately and those of you that know me well have caught on that something’s askew in Buehlerland. You aren’t wrong. While the hubster, the kiddo, and the puppies and I are fine, our world was flipped upside down last week when we found out that two thirds of us are moving to Atlanta, GA in mid August. Our other third, that bright-eyed boy that lights up my life, will be moving to Bloomington a week later.

Mayhem? You bet. Dismay? By the boatload. Gut wrenching? Pardon the graphic but a day hasn’t gone by in the last week that I haven’t tossed my cookies at least once. Fear? So overwhelming I can barely catch my breath sometimes. 

This wasn’t the plan. This wasn’t even in the notebook of possibilities. But this is what I’m learning through the upheaval that’s become my life as of late... 

Love is messy and love is hard and stupid and painful but love is also absolutely worth it. 

Thank you for checking on us. And praying for us. And loving us. Please don’t stop. We know we’re only as strong as our tribe and we are oh so grateful for each and every one of you. We’re trusting that God is right in the middle of our mayhem and we believe you are his angels.

The Day After...

High school graduation was supposed to be a fun filled day of celebration but that's not how it went for us.  After alternately sitting in the rain and hiding out under the bleachers for 2.5 hours trying to squeeze a ceremony in between storm cells, it turns out we didn't get to have graduation. Anyone with a cell phone could have checked their weather app and predicted the coming storm with near pinpoint precision so at the end of the evening you can imagine the scene: we were wet, and tired, and disappointed, and beyond frustrated for our kids. In my opinion, graduation shouldn't be dependent upon weather and it certainly isn't something to be squeezed in anywhere.  I don't know how else to describe our evening except to say it was a failure of epic proportions. 

Have you ever had one of those days where life just brings the storm?  As we sat in traffic leaving our non-graduation, I couldn't help but think about all of the times our school administrators have given our kids the speech about the importance of the day after graduation and how those very same administrators were woefully ill-equipped to actually handle the real storm that hit us last night. It turns out it was our kids who showed up in force and ultimately got the staff to cancel (finally) the event (in the middle of our third lightning delay) so the class of 2019 could have a do over and celebrate their accomplishments the correct way at a later time.  It turns out that our kids were better leaders than the grown ups last night.

So that day after high school graduation (in our case the graduation that didn't happen) that everyone talks about? It's today for my kiddo and this is what he's done with it. Bandolier Baby (the first track from his upcoming debut EP) released this morning on iTunes, Spotify, and numerous other music outlets I've never heard of. The lyrics are open and honest and while the kiddo knows he's first and foremost a songwriter and guitarist, he also knows this is where it all starts. You have to put yourself out there All. The. Way. if you really want to chase your passion and oh, what a leap it is! I'm certain that in the years to come when the hubster and I look back and listen to these early recordings we'll remember this phase of the kiddo's life with nothing but the purest love and pride a parent's heart can hold. And I hope by then we're able to laugh about last night.  #TheBestDays #Buhler #WHSSen19rs

 

Our Plans...

I love seeing Facebook history posts hit my newsfeed. I love seeing how far we’ve come and how much we thought we knew about a given thing at the time. Things change (the kiddo didn’t even apply to Purdue or Michigan and he turned down William and Mary) and while that can be scary, I love knowing that regardless of our plans, God directs our steps. #IUclassof2023

April 30, 2015--#TBT of my two goofballs at Purdue for the Purdue-Michigan game. The grandson of Frederick L. Hovde is in the Michigan gear, ever the faithful UofM alum (despite his seriously deep Purdue roots), and the great grandson was just a newbie 6th grader in this pic. Now that little blondie is 19 days away from being a freshman in high school and you guessed it—Purdue is his #1 choice. Where in the world does the time go? #WHSclassof2019 #Purdueclassof2023#maybeMichigan #momwantsWilliamandMary

He Didn't Have To...

Jesus didn’t have to go to the cross. 

For some of you this may not be new news but to me, it’s both fresh and profound and exactly what my soul needed to hear.  It's true.  Jesus didn't have to go to the cross.

Let me explain…  Jesus knew his coming death was the fulfillment of prophecy.  When he went to the garden of Gethsemane to pray, he asked God straight out—if there’s any way you can let this pass me by, please do so.  And he was told flat out he would be betrayed by one close to him and that he would carry his own death piece, the cross, to the hill where he would hang.

Let’s be honest.  Jesus wouldn’t have been the first son in the world not to do what his father asked.  He wouldn’t have been the first person to disagree with authority and he wouldn’t have been the first person to experience a fear-based response and run from danger.  He wouldn’t have been the first person to take the easy way out.  He had a choice. 

To my way of thinking, the garden was middle ground.  When Jesus looked out over the city in one direction, he saw a land filled with people that would betray him and lead him to his death.  But I what I didn’t know, what I learned just recently (I’ve been a Christian for over forty years mind you), is that if Jesus would have just turned around and looked the other way, he could have easily slipped into the Judean wilderness and disappeared.  He could have walked away.  Prophecy unfulfilled.  Destined changed.  History altered forever.

When the call comes and it’s not a favorable diagnosis, it would be easier to run.  When the conversation starts with I don’t love you anymore, it would be easier to run.  When there was nothing else we could do is all that’s left to be said, it would be easier to run.  When we watch the people we love struggle and resist help, it would be easier to run.

Have you ever wanted to disappear?  Have you ever thought about just chucking it all and running?  I often joke that I’ve thought about running away far more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.  I think most of us have felt that way.  There are days it seems life is made up of a thousand flaming arrows headed straight toward our hearts.  If we responded how we wanted on those days, the freeways would become a parking lot as we each tried to flee to anywhere. But. Here.  Yet for the overwhelming majority of us, we don’t run.  Why don’t more of us run?

In my opinion today marks one of the most crucial moments in Holy week.  It was tonight, Thursday night, when Jesus sat down with his disciples and shared what would be their last meal together, Jesus’ last meal on earth.  To set the scene, you’ve got men from all walks of life who’ve become best friends.  While being called together for dinner probably wasn’t unusual, as Jesus begins to explain what’s going to happen and what he expects from those that choose to follow him in the days to come, it’s obvious this meal is like no other the group has ever attended.  In today’s terms the last supper is much like the final meeting before the team is dismissed and the real work starts.  The events that will unfurl over the next few hours will blow apart this close-knit group and life will become anything but ordinary.  Some will doubt--I don’t believe what I’m hearing.  Some will stand in dismay--why is He washing my feet?  Some will deny--I never knew him.  One will betray—it is he.  To think it could have all been avoided if Jesus would have only turned around and headed less than an hour the other direction.

Jesus knew there were flaming arrows aimed directly for his heart.  He knew his place in history was to obey his Father’s will and take the hit.  If ever there was a one-for-all moment, surely it was when Jesus decided not to turn and go the other way.

We’re all going to face days when the arrows come and we find ourselves asking exactly the same thing Jesus did--if there’s any way this can pass me by, please let it do so.  Doubt is going to creep in.  Dismay is going to come.  Denial is going to settle deep and betrayal may befall us.

Tonight when we set down to dinner and talk our way through the events surrounding the last supper, I’ll use words like integrity, loyalty, responsibility, honesty, hope, faith, and love to tell my son a few of the reasons I don’t run, even when it would sometimes be the easiest thing to do.  I’ll plant these seeds deep in his heart and pray when the arrows come his way he'll follow the ultimate example, that of Jesus, and decide to stay instead of running.